calvin and hobbes cartoon strip

I absolutely hate being sick. I hate feeling helpless, and I hate just sitting around waiting to get better. But right now what I'm hating the most is being sick and alone in my empty apartment. :( It's not so much that I'm lonely...it's more about having no one to distract me from my own thoughts. And right now, knowing one roommate has already moved out and the other may as well have, some of my thoughts are about them, and about what's going to happen when I move in less than two weeks. I'm sad because I'm such a realist. I don't have any illusions about being able to maintain the same close friendships with people once we're separated by a significant distance. I mean, I know we will still be friends. It's just that I'm sad because I know how hard it is to keep up with people's everyday lives even when they live in the same apartment, so moving two hours away is going to make that even more difficult. Doesn't help that I seem to be hanging onto one friendship by a really small thread and I have no idea how it happened or how to fix it. It especially sucks because the only reason I can think of for why it happened is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And the fact that I'm losing touch with this person in particular, in THIS situation of all the crazy things that have happened over the last year, really sucks. I mean, she SHOULD have told me to screw off multiple times when I messed up, when I wasn't there for her, or when I didn't listen to her extremely wise and loving advice and instead went and did a bunch of really stupid crap. But she stuck with me, promised she'd never stop being my friend because she loves me and wants to be here for me all the time, no matter what. Then, somehow, one weird thing happened and we never figured it out right away and then life just...kept happening. Only it wasn't life together with each other anymore, and we lost touch on all the important things going on and instead were just speaking formalities. Bah. I hate that this has happened, and I hate that I don't even know if that's all it is or if there's more to it. If I somehow screwed up in yet another way, or if I'm just reading this all wrong and we're both just busy but still, at the very core of our friendship, fine. Just busy. I don't know. But I hate it. I hate that I don't know why she didn't respond to any of my texts last night when I was going to the ER -- whether it was because she didn't have her phone with her, or she just had more important things going on, or she seriously hates me. I hate that I felt angry at her and yet, because I was in such physical pain, literally could not try to talk to her about it. Then this morning we cohabited in the kitchen in total silence, she didn't say anything about my being in the hospital, and pretty much didn't even say goodbye when she walked out the door. Why is it that when I'm finally figuring out how to communicate well with one person, I seem to monumentally FAIL at communicating with at least two or three other people? Am I really so incapable of maintaining more than one healthy relationship at a time? Maybe we're both distancing ourselves from each other because we know we're kind of going our separate ways pretty soon. Like, maybe it's not totally intentional, but we still both know it's happening and just can't seem to face it. Gah. I probably shouldn't even be writing this stuff right now. But this is the first time in months that I've felt so completely and totally alone, and when no one seems to be around or available, all I can do to keep myself from crying or just feeling like a big loser is write it out. So...there it is. In spite of my excitement for all the new things happening in my life, things I know are good, I'm really sad about some of the inevitable changes that will occur...especially because of all the disconnection that has already been in progress recently.

And...yeah, fever of 100 and a really, really sore neck and a headache...not fun either. Sick. Sad. Alone. Three strikes. I'm out.

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